Learning to Be Little Again Read online

  “Alright, calm down. No one will force you to do anything that you don’t want to do. It was just a suggestion,” he said holding his hands up, as if that would calm me down.

  I nodded. I hadn’t meant to be so defensive. I just never wanted to act like a little girl again in front of anyone on purpose. That was what had caused all my problems before. If I had been acting older instead of so childishly, I would have seen that Boyle wasn’t a good caretaker. Instead, I got lost in the land of coloring and looking at pretty pictures and didn’t see that Boyle was starting to take full control of my life.

  “I respect your decision. Ultimately, everything is your choice. So whether you want to follow what I tell you to do is your decision. Mark and I are just trying to get you better.”

  “I understand,” I said, looking down at my lap again.

  “Do you, Juliana? I’ve been telling you to go to a doctor for the past month and you never would have if I hadn’t made this appointment for you today and forced you to come,” Mark growled.

  I looked up at him and shrank away. He looked so angry. I didn’t like it when that look was pointed at me. It reminded me of the fact that he was a very big, muscular man and I was a small, thin girl. He could force me to do anything if he really wanted to.

  “You d-don’t under-understand,” I said, beginning to cry. I couldn’t help it. I didn’t like feeling forced to do anything at all. Especially because the last time I was forced into something it left me in the situation I was in now. I put my head in my hands so neither Mark nor Robert had to see me cry.

  “Mark, could you please give us a minute?” Robert asked.

  “Sure. I’ll be in the waiting room,” he said, standing and leaving.

  I kept my head in my hands as I cried. My teddy bear fell to the ground off of my lap. I felt so embarrassed now. I went to the doctor like he wanted me to. I heard what was wrong with me. I told them no, that I didn’t want to go to a therapist, and now he yelled at me. He wasn’t being fair! This whole situation wasn’t fair!

  “Juliana, please look at me.”

  I lifted my head to see that Robert was kneeling down in front of me. I hadn’t heard him get up from his chair. He handed me my teddy bear.

  “I’m s-sorry.” I cried as I held the teddy bear close to me.

  “Hey, it’s okay. You’re okay. All Mark wants to do is help you. I’m sure that he didn’t mean to snap at you,” he said, rubbing his hands up and down my arms.

  I don’t know what came over me, but I launched myself into his arms. He caught me, wrapped his arms around me, and then moved so that he was sitting in the chair and I was on his lap.

  I cried into his shoulder for a few minutes, just letting out my pent-up pain. I hated feeling like this. I didn’t want to, but I just couldn’t get over it. I also didn’t want to think about how good it felt to be wrapped in his arms.

  When I finished crying, he asked, “You done?”

  I just nodded, not ready to face him yet.

  “Juliana, please look at me.”

  I shook my head, not ready to look at the man who was still rubbing my back after I’d stupidly cried all over him. I was crazy. He was going to lock me up because I must look like I lost my mind.

  “Juliana, look at me right now,” he said in an authoritative voice, a voice I knew meant business.

  I looked up at him to see him staring into my eyes, and I couldn’t help but blurt out, “I’m sorry!”

  “Listen to me, sweetie. There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. I know that you were treated poorly by your last daddy and that because of him, you have so many problems today.”

  I just nodded my head, not sure what to say as I gave my teddy bear another squeeze.

  “I can understand why you don’t like talking to strangers and why you don’t like people touching you. I just hope that one day, you do get better and you let yourself find a new daddy to love and take care of you.”

  “I’m never going to find a new daddy again,” I declared.

  “Why not?” he asked, looking a little taken back.

  “Because I’m never going to play in that lifestyle again. It caused me too many problems.”

  “Don’t say that. It wasn’t the lifestyle that caused you problems. It was the person who you played with that caused all the problems. Don’t stop being who you are just because of one really bad experience. Don’t give that evil man that power over you.”

  I nodded again, not wanting to tell him that a very small part of me hoped that I would find another daddy too. One who would always put my needs first. One who would always protect me from the evils of the world. One who would punish me when I had done something wrong. One who would love me no matter what.

  “I know this is probably a horrible time to ask you this, but I figure why not… Now, I want you to be honest with me. Okay?”

  “Okay,” I said, squeezing my bear, afraid of what he wanted to ask me.

  “Would you maybe like to go on a date with me? I know this is totally not the right time and technically unethical because I did just see you as a patient today, but I don’t think that I will see you as a patient again. Would you like to go on a date with me?”

  I thought about it for a second and then said, “Yes.” I didn’t think it was bad timing. In fact, I was happy he was asking me.

  “Really?”

  I was surprised at how shocked he was. Clearly, he hadn’t thought that I would go out with him. But truth be told, I kept having dreams about him after the munch. Mark had told me that Robert was into age play and he even looked like my ideal daddy—although I didn’t plan on ever letting him know that.

  I nodded.

  “Excellent! We can do whatever you want. We can go out dancing, or do dinner and a movie, or else I can come to your house and cook, or else you can come to my house and I can cook. We can bring Mark if you want, if that makes you more comfortable.”

  “No!” I was not going to let Mark come on a date with me. Yes, I was wary of strangers, but Robert had proven himself to be a gentlemen. Plus, how humiliating would it be if Mark came? It would be like having my older brother with me on a first date. Yuck!

  “Okay. Just let me know what you want to do.”

  “Dinner at my apartment?”

  “That sounds perfect. I’ll cook.”

  I decided to take a bold step and ask, “Tonight?” His face lit up and I knew that was exactly what he wanted to hear.

  “That sounds perfect!”

  “Okay.”

  “I’ll meet you at six? Does that sound good?”

  I nodded. That was perfect. I usually ate dinner around that time, and I was glad he did too.

  “Excellent. I think I know exactly what to make you, too.”

  “What?”

  “It’s a surprise.”

  “I love surprises!” I giggled. I really did. I tried to think about the last surprise I’d gotten. I couldn’t remember the last one, so this made me even more excited for our date.

  “Good to know. Now, there are a couple more things we have to talk about. Do you want to bring Mark back in to hear?”

  “No, I think I can do this alone,” I said, feeling much braver than I did the first time I sat down in this office.

  “Okay. I’m going to sit you down in your chair now.”

  I nodded and he picked me up and placed me back in my chair. Then he walked back behind his desk and skimmed over my results.

  “Now, as we were talking about before, I would strongly encourage you to go and talk to a therapist, or at the very least talk to someone. A friend, a family member, anyone you trust. I know that you think it won’t help you, but I believe it will.”

  He paused probably to let me think it over. I nodded my head when I wished for him to continue.

  “Additionally, I have a pamphlet here for you of foods that are very high in iron. As long as you eat three meals a day and have an item or two from this list, that should help you gain
weight and get more iron, vitamins, and minerals into your body.”

  “Okay. I can do that,” I said, taking the pamphlet from him and looking over what foods were on there. There were a lot of things I used to like eating, so I was okay with that.

  “Now, the last thing I wanted to talk to you about was your problem going to the bathroom.”

  I felt my face turn so red from embarrassment as I nodded. This was not something I wanted to discuss with the man I was going to be going on a date with later that night.

  “Okay. So, I believe that beginning to eat a healthy diet will help fix that problem. Though, I encourage you to go to the store and try to get some simple laxatives. You can put one in your drink in the morning and it will just help your digestive system along.”

  “I can do that.” I was okay with that. I knew there could be worse things that he could have told me to do. That made me start to think about what would happen if taking the simple laxatives didn’t work. “What happens if that doesn’t work?”

  “Well, you could try using a suppository and if that doesn’t work, then an enema would probably help the most.”

  My whole body shook at the thought of getting an enema. I heard that they hurt a lot and that they’re messy. I shivered at the mental image that came into my head. I did not want one of those.

  My thoughts must have shown on my face because Robert said, “Don’t worry, Juliana. The enema will be a last option.”

  “Good,” I said, running my hands over my legs, trying to calm my nerves once again.

  “That’s all that I have to say to you. Unless you have any questions?”

  “No. I’m good, thank you,” I said, standing. I left the teddy bear on my seat, thinking that Robert would want it back, and started to leave his office.

  “Wait, Juliana. Don’t forget your teddy bear,” he said.

  “Oh. I thought it was just an office bear,” I said, stopping and turning towards him.

  “Nope. I bought it just for you,” he said, grabbing the bear and walking over and handing it to me.

  “Oh. Thank you,” I said, grabbing it and snuggling it to my chest. I again didn’t want to think about the warm feeling it gave me to know that he bought me something as simple as a teddy bear.

  “I’ll just walk you out and say goodbye to Mark.”

  Together we walked out of his office and headed towards Mark, who was standing by the fish tank. As Mark and Robert said their goodbyes, I began to watch the fish again. The one fish who must have been Nemo kept swimming towards me and I put my hand to the glass. Nemo was so cute!

  “Juliana, it’s time to go,” Mark said.

  “One minute,” I said, not taking my eyes off Nemo as he kept swimming near the glass by my hand.

  “Juliana, you can come back and look at the fish again, okay?” Robert said.

  “Fine,” I said, turning to face both men.

  “Thanks again, Robert,” Mark said, shaking his hand.

  “No problem. Juliana, I’ll see you tonight.”

  “Okay. Bye,” I said, giving him a small wave as Mark and I walked out the office door.

  Chapter Five

  After closing up the office, I headed right to the grocery store and bought all of the ingredients I’d need to cook Juliana a delicious, healthy dinner tonight.

  Now I was just waiting to go over to her house. Looking up at the clock in my house, I saw that it was only five. I wished I could go over to her apartment now, but I didn’t want to startle her by being so early. Nervously, I rubbed my hands together, thinking about what she said earlier to me in my office, about not wanting another daddy because of what her last one had done to her.

  That crushed me. I knew that she and I would be perfect for one another. She would be such a happy little girl if she would trust me. I would praise her for being a good little girl and discipline her when she broke the rules. I would teach her to trust people again, and most importantly, I’d get her back to being healthy.

  Additionally, I knew that I could help her overcome her fears if she just gave me a chance. Maybe tonight I can try to coax her little side out, I thought. Maybe after dinner, we could watch TV and I could change it to a kids’ channel. From what Mark told me, she still loved watching children’s shows when she thought no one could hear what she was watching.

  With that thought in mind, I reached for my laptop, logged into my amazon account, and began looking at age play items. After twenty-five minutes, I’d filled my cart with over three dozen items. I knew I was buying things prematurely because for all I knew, Juliana would never want to regress again. But I just got so excited and my gut told me that before long, Juliana would regress for me.

  I looked up at the clock again and saw it was five thirty, and I decided I could leave now. My house was a good fifteen minutes from hers, so it wouldn’t be too weird if I showed up a little early. With that decided, I grabbed the bags of groceries I needed, packed them in my car, and headed over to her apartment.

  * * *

  It was five fifty when I heard a knock on my apartment door. I took one last look in my bedroom mirror to make sure that the navy sweater and khaki pants looked alright. I’d debated wearing a dress, but I thought that would be too fancy for a first date. Then I thought about wearing jeans, but I thought that would be too casual.

  Why does going on a first date with him have to be so complicated?

  I left my black curly hair down. I seriously hated my hair. Most women wanted to have curly hair, except for all the women who actually had it and had to deal with it. It was so hard for me to brush and had tangles in it all the time.

  Leaving my mirror, I headed towards my apartment door. Standing on my tiptoes, I checked the peephole to see Robert standing there, and then I opened the door.

  “Hi,” I shyly said. Why do I feel shy now? He saw me naked not twelve hours ago.

  “Hello, Juliana. You look lovely tonight.” He adjusted the three bags in his arms, and as he did so, I could see his muscles strain against his dark blue, long sleeve shirt. He was wearing black dress pants as well and I couldn’t help but admire the view.

  Shaking my head slightly, I reached for one of the bags. “Let me help you.” I took one and realized it was pretty heavy. “Gosh, what do you have in here, a twenty pound turkey?” I joked, as we walked through my apartment and put all of the bags on my kitchen table.

  “No. You just grabbed the bag that had the chicken and wine in it. These are for you, by the way,” he said, handing me a beautiful bouquet of sunflowers.

  “Oh, thank you! I love sunflowers!” I said, taking them and admiring them. They were gorgeous. “I’ll get a vase for these.”

  As I was looking for a vase, out of the corner of my eye I saw Robert looking around my apartment.

  “I like your apartment,” he said, putting his hands in his pockets and rocking back on his heels.

  Is he nervous? I filled the vase I had just found with water, then unwrapped the sunflowers from the plastic and placed them in the vase. “Thanks. It’s pretty small, but it’s home. Would you like a tour?”

  “Sure.”

  Putting the vase down on my counter, I turned towards him. “Okay. Well, as you can see, to the right of the kitchen is the family room. Then, if you follow me through the family room, you’ll see two doors by the couch. The door to the right opens up into my bedroom.”

  I walked into my bedroom, showing him the faded yellow walls, the queen size bed that was in the center of the room, and my dresser that was right across from it with the TV on top.

  “Very nice,” he said, his eyes scanning my room as if he was trying to memorize exactly how it looked.

  “Thanks. Now, through the door on the left side of the family room is my bathroom.”

  I lead him out of my bedroom and walked into my bathroom. The bathroom was very small. The shower/bathtub barely fit on the left side and then the toilet and sink were on the other side. The walls in here were also faded, but
they were painted a lavender color instead of yellow.

  “It’s… cozy in here,” he said and I turned to face him. He was a large man, and he looked very cramped in this room. I couldn’t help the smile that crossed my face as I imagined him trying to take a shower in my bathtub. It would be a tight squeeze.

  “It’s okay to say it’s small. I know it is, and that’s the end of the tour,” I chuckled, walking back into the kitchen.

  “I like your apartment. Even though it isn’t as big as the White House, it has a homey feeling to it.”

  “Thank you,” I said, feeling surprisingly happy that he liked my home. I don’t know why it mattered to me, but it did.

  “Now, I think it’s time that I start getting dinner ready.”

  “Can I help you?” I asked enthusiastically. I loved to cook, I just wasn’t that great at it. I would follow a recipe exactly and my food still didn’t turn out well. I kept trying though, each time thinking that my food would turn out better, but it hadn’t yet.

  “Sure. Let’s wash our hands and then we can begin.”

  “Okay.” I walked over to my sink and I got my hands wet, put soap in them, and began to scrub them.

  “Need help?” Robert asked, coming up behind me and taking my hands in his.

  I felt my heart rate start to speed up. I didn’t like to be surrounded like this. It made me feel helpless. It made me realize that Robert was bigger than me and could overpower me if he wanted to, just like Boyle.

  I was about to tell him that I needed him to back up when I heard him begin to sing.

  “Let’s wash, wash, wash our hands, wash our hands, wash our hands, let’s wash, wash, wash our hands, and make them nice and clean. We make sure to wash the front and back, wash the front and back, wash the front and back, we make sure to wash the front and back, and all the fingers in between.”

  As he was singing, he was washing my hands and his own, and I couldn’t help but begin to relax… and laugh!

  “What’s so funny?” he asked, drying our hands.

  “Your song,” I said, still giggling. It felt so good to laugh just for the fun of it, and I couldn’t stop. I laughed harder and harder and then noticed that Robert was laughing too.